Lover's Suicide
by sehwa
Summary: What do I have to live for now? She's gone... My Rin... I can't... no, I won't live without her... SessRin


This is a short story based on a picture I drew. Here's the url for the picture (take out spaces)

h t t p / www . deviantart . com / deviation / 29221784 /

I was also inspired by my friend/consultant-bear who was inspired by my drawing and wrote a short story based on it. I don't know what my problem is, and I don't know why I feel the need to make the characters and couples I love most suffer... Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you many a tale about this awful habit of mine. I apologize. To the characters, their owners, the reader, and the world in general. I apologize for being such a sadistic person. I don't know how I can stand myself, let alone how any of my friends can stand me. I never like to read about my favorite characters suffering, yet I feel inexplicably compelled to do it myself.

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The illness was swift. It appeared suddenly and worsened rapidly, leaving her bedridden for the better part of a week.When, at the castle, receiving the best care I could provide, she only continued to worsen, I took her to the miko.

"What are her symptoms?"

"At first, she just had dizzy spells. When she actually fainted, she had a fever. She hasn't been able to keep much down except water. The cough began a little later, and her breathing has become extremely labored."

"I see..."

"What's wrong with her?"

"I'm not sure."

"Can you help her?"

"I'll try."

"I don't want to hear that you'll try, I want to hear that you'll make her better!"

"I can't promise anything."

"You know what's wrong, don't you?"

"No, I told you I don't. It could be many things, nothing in particular is indicative of-"

"So you won't say."

"I told you, I don't-"

"Maybe you don't know, but it's serious, isn't it?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Your usual unfounded optimism is lacking, miko."

"Help her. Do everything in your power, or I will make the remainder of your existence a living hell."

The miko nodded, and went to continue trying to heal my Rin. Inuyasha glared at me for threatening his woman, but said nothing. The miko understood, that is why she did not reprimand me for my coarseness. Perhaps Inuyasha understood as well... understood what I was going through. The next few days passed slowly, and Rin's condition deteriorated. The miko bustled about trying different medicines and treatments and even went through a mystical well for supplies from what I understood to be an alternate dimension of the future. Nothing seemed to help. I never left her side, clutching her small hand, as it was all I could do for my Rin. She faded in and out of consciousness, occasionally lucid enough to ask where she was, and if I was there. Inuyasha came in periodically to try to get the miko to rest, but eventually gave up. Even without my threats, I knew the woman would have worked just as diligently. She was a compassionate soul, very much like Rin... my Rin... On the fourth night since I brought her to Inuyasha's village, she woke.

"Se... Sesshoumaru-sama...?" I leapt from my chair beside the bed and leaned close to her, grasping her hand.

"Rin..."

"Wh...where am I...?"

"You're at the miko's."

"How... long..."

"Four days."

"...I...I'm sorry..."

"There's no need to apologize..."

"But..."

"Shhh... don't try to speak. Just rest."

She still looked apologetic, but did as I asked. I pushed the hair dampened with sweat out of her face with one hand, my other never letting go of hers. The miko came in once and tried to get Rin to swallow some medicine, but she couldn't keep it down. Still in a sitting position, she apologized again.

"Rin, I told you there's no need to apologize. It isn't your fault..."

"But... I'm being such a burden..."

"You are never a burden."

"But..."

"Shhh, now."

I pulled her close, and she rested her head on my chest. I couldn't believe how hot she was. Her already high fever had worsened, and I could hear her wheezing and shallow breaths. Why wasn't she getting better? Why must she suffer so? How can I be so powerless to help her! God damn it, she doesn't deserve this! As I finished that thought, Rin began to cough. I patted her back to help her clear her airways, and as the bought died down, I smelled blood. I pulled her away from me slightly to look at her and sure enough, there was a small trickle of blood on her lip. 'Shit...' was all I could think. I may not know much about humans, but I knew this couldn't be a good sign. As if on cue, the miko came back into the room.

"Inuyasha smelled blood... Is Rin okay?" She gasped when Rin began coughing up more blood.

"I-I'll get a towel..." she said and rushed out of the room.

"I...I'm sorry...Sesshoumaru-sama...your clothes..."

"What?"

"It's... I'm... There's blood..." she said between coughs.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it."

"But-" she began to object, but coughed up more blood. The miko came back in.

"Oh, my god..." she said as she saw all the blood.

"Here..." she said as she handed me a towel. I used it to wipe some of the blood off Rin's face.

"I'm s-so sorry, Sessh-"

"Shhh, don't talk. You'll just make it worse. Miko! Do something!" I started to lay her on her back, but the miko stopped me. "No, it's better to keep her upright. Lean her forward a bit." I pulled Rin into my chest and held her tightly as if she would disappear any moment. Another coughing fit started. After she coughed up a lot of blood, her coughs became dry, expelling nothing but coughing still. I pat her back as the violent coughs died down... then she went limp in my arms.

"Rin... Rin...?" I pulled her out of my embrace to look at her. Her eyes were closed and her lovely face was pale and drawn. Perspiration lined her forehead and blood stained her kimono. I shook her gently.

"Rin! Rin, look at me!"

Her eyes opened slowly and she looked up at me with, what, sadness? apology? in her eyes. She lifted a trembling hand and placed it on my cheek. "I'm sorry... Sesshoumaru... sama..." she uttered, trying terribly hard to breathe. Her heartbeat... was it slowing?

"Rin..."

"It... it would have been better... if you never saved me..."

"No, Rin, that's not true!"

"But then you wouldn't be sad that I'm-"

"You aren't! Don't even say it! Don't you dare..." She placed her other hand weakly on the other side of my face. I could feel her pulse... Her heartbeat was weakening... "I... I love you, Sesshoumaru-sama..." she said gently as tears began to fill her eyes. My own eyes began to sting... was I... crying? I held her close to me with one arm and put my other hand over hers, still resting on my face. I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed her fingers gently. "I... love you too, Rin..." She managed a smile, her eyelids fluttering, struggling to stay open. "I love you so much," I whispered, leaning in close. I heard a gasp as our lips met. At some point, Inuyasha had reentered the room and stood there in complete and utter shock. The miko made no sound, but I could smell her tears. The kiss was sweet and tender, and I never wanted it to end. When had this happened? When did I begin to fall in love with her? When had this human girl become the most important thing in my life?

The questions stopped abruptly when her hands slipped from my face and fell limply to her sides. Her eyes were closed and her heartbeat was barely detectable. "Rin? Rin! Rin!" her eyes opened slighly and she whispered so quietly that I could barely hear... her final words...

"I... lo...ve... you... Se... Sesshou... maru... sama... I... love... you..."

With that, her eyes closed, never to open again. Her strength gave out and her heart stopped.

Rin... my Rin... was gone...

I lay her down on the bed gently, stroking her face with my hands and smoothing back stray hair. Instinctively, I reached for Tenseiga. I held the sword out before me waiting for it to pulse and show me the messengers from the afterlife. After a few moments, they still didn't appear. Instead of waiting, I swung the blade. Rin still lay silent. I swung again. No response. Frustrated and terrified, I swung again and again.

Nothing happened.

The stinging tears in my eyes finally spilled down my cheeks. I couldn't separate all the things I was feeling as they all culminated and sunk in to my consciousness, my thoughts trying to find some hint of rationality to hang on to... Rin is... dead. Dead. She's not waking up. Why isn't she waking up? Why isn't Tenseiga bringing her back to life? "Why isn't it working? WHAT GOOD IS THIS FUCKING SWORD IF IT WON'T WORK WHEN I NEED IT MOST? Is it me? Am I incapable of using it to bring her back now? Why is this happening? Why won't it work! This isn't the time for a lesson of some sort, you worthless piece of SHIT! Why? GOD DAMN IT, WHY?" I didn't realize I had been speaking out loud when I threw the useless sword across the room. I dropped to my knees beside the bed where Rin lay unmoving.

"Rin... Rin, answer me. Open your eyes and answer me... Answer me, dammit!" I demanded, almost hysterically. I shook her gently, but got no response. "No... no, Rin... no..." I didn't want to accept it... How could I accept this? How could I accept that the most important person in the world was gone? How could I possibly go on living without her smiles, her voice, her scent...? How could I possibly go on living without her...? I asked myself these things already knowing the answer...

I can't live without her...

I WON'T live without her...

In less than a second, my next move became clear, and even my rational mind couldn't argue. I lay Rin down gently on the bed, stroking the side of her face with my hand and trying to smooth back stray hair. I could hear the miko sobbing in the background, and Inuyasha trying to console her with gentle words. "Kagome, shh, it's okay... It'll be okay..."

I called out to him.

"Inuyasha..." I said quietly as I stood up, not turning around to face him. He parted from the miko and came to stand a few feet behind me. "Sesshoumaru..." he said, unsure of what to say to me. Despite his lingering hatred for me, he still felt sorrow for Rin, and sorrow for me. He took another step forward, as if to touch my shoulder in a gesture of sympathy. I took the opportunity. I turned quickly and before he could react, snatched the Tessaiga from is scabbard at his side. I shoved him away from me and he hit the chest of drawers against the wall. The miko screamed in surprise and Inuyasha struggled to stay on his feet.

"Sesshoumaru, what the hell! What the fuck are you-"

"Inuyasha, what's-"

They both stopped in mid-sentence when they saw me turn the blade towards myself...

"Sesshoumaru... You... you wouldn't..." Inuyasha stuttered. I lifted the blade to my neck.

"No, stop! Don't do it!"

"Sesshoumaru, wait!" The metal was cold, the blade was razor-sharp...

"STOP!"

"SESSHOUMARU!"

It slid across my throat. If it hurt, I didn't feel it. I was mildly surprised at how little effort it took to sink the steel into my neck. How ironic that this blade, this fang, that I sought and coveted for so long would be the means by which I would end my life. How cruelly ironic that I die by the blade that allowed me to meet her in the first place. I had always wanted this sword, but if I had gotten it, I would never have known Rin. Even in the relatively short time I knew her, she had changed me so much. She cared for me unconditionally, even if I had never given her a reason to. Only after saving her and bringing her into my life did I become content with my inheritance, the Tenseiga, and stopped longing to posses the Tessaiga. My sword had given me something wonderful, something I couldn't live without now. My sword have given me Rin, and she had given me nothing but joy with her cheerfulness, compassion, and unwavering trust. I loved her. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her, nothing in the world I would deny her. She was mine. She belonged to me, and I loved her more than anything.

And now, she was gone.

What else was there to live for?

I dropped Tessaiga. I could feel the warm blood running down my neck, hear it splattering on the floor. I was faint and my vision was blurring as I fell onto the bed. I gazed with unfocused eyes at Rin.

"R...n..." I tried to speak, and found it very difficult. I feel forward, my head landed heavily beside Rin's. I took her hand in mine and stroked her warm fingers. She was always so warm...

"...in..." I tried to speak again. "R... r...in... I...I'm... s... so... s... ry... R... n..."

My consciousness was fading fast as the blood poured out of me, taking my life with it.

"I... l... o... ve... y... ou..."

I inhaled her scent, looked at her beautiful face, felt her soft skin, and kissed her one last time...

"...R... r... in..."

...and then everything went black as I died with the one I loved.

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I'm horrible... I hate sad endings... I plan to write an epilogue that will... well, I won't spoil it. I'm going to go cry some more now. Forgive me.


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